A Twisted Tail
by hyperactive snails
Summary: One boo boo leads to another, especially when Ron tries to fix it. Throw in a dead cat, a furious Hermione and a lonesome, mysterious Boris and a merry ruckus ensues at Hogwarts!please R&R!
1. Fish Heads and Pork Bladders

_Disclaimer: If J.K. Rowling were two silly, idiotic teenagers, with nothing else to do, then we're definitely her!_

_**Chapter 1**_

_**Fish Heads and Pork Bladders**_

Ron stumbled up the stairs to the boy's dormitory cursing Filch fluently under his breath. He took no notice of his surroundings; his mind was still reeling from the events of the past four hours. He had been in detention with the above-mentioned Filch who, probably under Snape's orders, had made Ron disembowel a barrel full of flobberworms that were only half-dead. Most unfortunately, Ron had accidentally voiced an unmentionable insult that Filch had obviously misunderstood-or guessed correctly- as being directed at him and had hence "accidentally" tipped over the barrel onto Ron, who had been smothered by the slimy, writhing worms and had only managed to get them off by using the "Wingardium Leviosa" spell which, despite being in seventh year, had taken him three tries to get right. He had gotten up in a daze only to find the ground covered with flobberworms and his first unsteady step had resulted in several worms being crushed under his foot with an oddly sickening "crunch" sound.

"Weird" muttered Ron of the present as he reached the landing. "That something so seemingly squishy should crunch like that"

"Crunch"

"Yeah, exactly like that"

Ron froze. The "crunch" sound was accompanied by the sickening sensation of there being something squishy underfoot.

He counted slowly to three-held up temporarily by the fact that he couldn't remember if one or two came first- and then directed his gaze downwards. He gave a small yelp and leapt away from the dead cat on the floor. It had ginger fur.

"Crookshanks?" Ron spoke that word in a whisper.

The shaggy fur Ron fancied he'd recognized was answer enough for him.

He quickly knelt by the motionless cat and grabbed one of its fore paws hoping against hope that he would be able to feel a pulse.

Fools are always disappointed.

More sensibly, he placed a finger on the cat's neck and tried to find a heart beat but he could still find none.

"C'mon you stupid animal" Ron said getting frustrated. "Wake up!"

Seized by a sudden inspiration, he said, "Breakfast is ready! Fresh fish heads and pork bladder all ready for you"

Still, the cat did not stir. Ron let go of the cat and sagged against a wall, his head in his hands.

His grief was not for the cat but for himself.

"Hermione'll kill me"

He and Hermione had not exactly been going out but since the disastrous episode with Lavender and McLaggen, they had come to an unspoken agreement to NOT date other people.

Killing her cat would undoubtedly break another of those unspoken agreements between them hence rendering all other unspoken agreements null and void. That would mean that she'd be able to date other people.

The thought gave fresh energy to Ron and leaping to his feet he decided that the only way to divert all attention from him would be to destroy all the evidence against him.

In this case, the evidence would be the dead cat.

He quickly grabbed the cat and entered his dormitory looking wildly around for a good place to hide the cat. Finding none, he shoved the cat unceremoniously under his bed.

He would worry about disposing of it permanently the next day.

-Hyperactive Snails (freexrule and gnomedeplum, with the former doing all the work while the latter sat around and blowed bubbles)


	2. An Ominous Feeling

_Disclaimer: We own EVERYTHING! Mwaahahahaha!_

_Incidentally we are also tiny purple sponges with antennae._

_**Chapter 2**_

_**An Ominous Feeling**_

The next day, Ron woke up with an ominous feeling he just couldn't place. He lay in bed, wondering vaguely if the day was some sort of anniversary or birthday, but finally dismissed it as an empty stomach and began to get dressed. It was only while he was hunting socks under the bed that he remembered about the cat. Having it stare at him with glassy eyes helped matters considerably.

He straightened up quickly, eyes darting furtively around him to check whether the dormitory was, indeed, empty. After checking everyone's bed, and even under them all, he began pacing up and down the room, pondering the disposal of The Evidence.

That was when he saw the lake. The rusty cogwheels of his mind began turning, ever so slowly (they hadn'thad much practice). And he had an Idea.

He grabbed his schoolbag, and emptied from it dusty inkbottles, chocolate wrappers, bits of doodled-on parchment, and an absolute absence of books, before stuffing the cat in. "There", he thought, "it should be comfortable enough." He frowned for a moment. "At least, it would have been, had it still been alive."

It was time for breakfast. Perfect! Everyone would be in the Great Hall, giving him a clear field. He sneaked down the stairs to the common room, which was mercifully empty, except for a few fellow stragglers whom he didn't know anyway.

Ron raced through the castle, not stopping till he was safely outside the great oak front doors. Breathing heavily, but determined not to stop till he was at the lake, he ran on through the school grounds, sliding to a stop at the lake. That was when he saw the giant squid, floating lazily at the surface, it's tentacles spread out behind it.

He wondered for a moment whether the giant squid would mind sharing its lake with a dead cat. Nah..not unless Crookshanks had tried to _eat_ it. He frowned. The trouble was, that was exactly the sort of thing Crookshanks would do. Besides, the giant squid was not alone, it suddenly propelled itself a few inches through the water, enabling him to see...

"Hello Luna" said Ron, trying not to show his discomfort at seeing her there." What are you doing here?"

"Oh, hello Ron" said Luna vaguely. "I've just been talking to Charles Marshall George Wellington the Third. "

"Who?"

"I call him Boris for short.He's just been telling me how lonely it gets down here."

"Oh…right" said Ron "Well, its wish is about to be granted"

He quickly drew the cat out of his bag and flung it into the lake.

No one believes a word old Loony says anyway, he reasoned with himself.

"Ron?" an unwelcomingly familiar voice suddenly sounded behind him.

"Morning Hermione" said Ron in what he hoped was a normal voice.

"What're you doing here?" Hermione asked uncertainly, her eyes wandering between Luna and Ron.

"Nothing" said Ron quickly, turning red.

"If you call throwing cats into the lake 'nothing'" said Luna absently. "Where's Boris gone?" she suddenly asked in a sharper voice.

Ron shrugged and gave Hermione a look that plainly said, "You're going to believe something _she_ says?"

"Oh there he is!" Luna suddenly exclaimed. "I think he likes the cat. Look! He's playing with him"

As one, Ron and Hermione turned towards the lake in time to see a cat being tossed up into the air only to be caught again by a large tentacle. There was definitely no mistaking that ginger hair from this short distance.

"Crookshanks?" Hermione said faintly.

Ron winced. First came the shock, then came the-

"RONALD MURIEL WEASLEY! HOW COULD YOU THROW MY CAT INTO THE LAKE?"

"It wasn't…I mean I…"

"YOU GET MY CAT OUT THIS MINUTE OR THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY"

"What!" Ron said flabbergasted. "What's the point of going into the lake after a dead cat?"

That had not been the smartest thing to say.

"Dead?" Hermione's voice was so faint Ron could barely hear her. And with a sinking feeling he saw tears welling up in her eyes. Then, without a word, she turned on her heel and hurried away.

"Damn it!" Ron muttered to himself. He knew better than to go after her. If he did, he'd probably find himself under the Bat Bogey Hex. (He had heard Ginny teaching Hermione that one)

He sighed and started to make his way back to the castle for breakfast. The ominous feeling had turned out to be hunger after all.

-Hyperactive snails (yeah, freexrule again, I just do all the author's notes and take full credit ;)


End file.
